My Roots

I just spent the weekend in Laguna visiting my relatives. The last time I went, I decided not to bring a book, and had immediately wished that I did the moment I got there. So this time, I brought a book, and guess what? I didn't read it at all.

I don't really do much when I'm there. The whole idea of going is to actually spend time with them, which I don't get to do. Because it's hard for me to communicate with them because they speak tagalog (filipino), and I absolutely suck at it. If I even try, it'll come out as absolute nonsense.

Growing up, I'm pretty sure I was fluent in it, or something to that extent. And then I think International School just slowly sucked it out of me. I was always speaking in English, that my Filipino just dissipated. Even when it comes to tv, when my dad's watching the news (in filipino), the words go into my head and gets translated into english. Seriously. So, I understand it when it's spoken, and yea, I can speak it, just not well.

And that's probably one, if not the only reason that I'm not close to my relatives. I wish I were, but it's just not like that. I've always wanted to be close to my grandparents (I only have grandmothers now), but it's never happened.

The last time I was alone with my lola (grandmother on my mom's side), she asked me about religion and why I didn't go to church. That side of the family is very religious, but when it comes to my family, we're not. At least for me, I believe in God and prayer, but I don't feel the need to practice a religion. My belief in God is enough for me.

So that's another thing.I see my cousins being close to her and to my other relatives (on that side), and I think they're close because they share the same beliefs and lifestyle among other things, which I don't share with them. My siblings and I were raised differently from my cousins, so yea, we're just different.

It's sad in some ways, but I wouldn't change how I was brought up, because I like how I am, and how we are as a family. I respect them as well as their lifestyle, but I cannot imagine myself living that way. I can't have everything, so that's how it's got to be.

I sort of lost my train of thought though, so I have to end it here.