Sigh

Today, I attempted to be productive. Take note of the word attempted, because I failed miserably. And as usual, allowed myself to get side tracked and distracted. Although the genuine desire is in me, I lack the ability to follow through. And thus the entry title of Sigh. 

I'm interested to find out exactly what it will take for me to finally stop allowing all the distractions to... well, distract me. Cause once I know, maybe then I'll finally be able to produce results. But that's a pretty lame excuse. 

In around 15 short minutes, my regular long weekend will commence. I'm going out of town, so maybe then I can get my head straight once and for all. If not, then well, at least I've got my lap top and my internet. Let the distractions begin! I'm kidding. I hope. Sigh.

Anyway, this is a distraction. So I'm going to leave now. Have a good weekend. Good bye. 

Wow

One of my favorite things to do when I'm online is to check out Jason Mraz's blog (freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com). He's an amazing writer, and I always find myself inspired after I read his entries. And if not inspired, then definitely entertained.

On one of my routine update checks, I come across his latest entry where he has a behind the scenes video for a song he does for the album "Amazon Tribes - Songs For Survival".  And I heard this new voice for the first time, and the first thing that came into my head was, "who is that?". I needed to find out because his voice hit me and affected me in a way that very few singers are able to do. 

Brett Dennen (myspace.com/brettdennen). Incredible.

Every once in a while, I fall into a certain mood where I feel inspired to do things to change myself for the better. To be a better person. To help heal the world. To do something meaningful with the life that I was given. To give up all the superficial material things that we feel we need to actually be happy. 

I try to hold on to this mood for as long as I can, because once I lose it, I go back to living my routine lifestyle which I am not content with. And when I'm in this mood, I feel more myself. I feel like I have a bigger purpose. It may sound cheesy, I know, but I find it incredibly interesting. Mostly because I'm young and still trying to find my purpose in life. 

Anyway, that's all I'm going to babble about today. Yay for weekends!

Yay For Fridays

As I sit here counting down the hours til the start of my weekend, I can't help but to be a little repulsed by my sloth-like attitude. Not that I'm insulting the humble creature by comparing my negative personality traits with its general description/stereo typed reputation (that of being slow and lazy). But really, it was the only thing I could think of while constructing the sentence in my head.

And so, thanks to whatever my mood of the moment can be described as, this entry is born. Specs as follows:

Topic: None
Purpose: None
Meaningful message: Probably none
Inspiration: Boredom

I already predict that after this post is published, I will be consumed with guilt for neglecting my tasks and responsibilities that I should have been attending to and instead opted to write this entry... woe is me.

I find myself day dreaming often these last few weeks. Of my life plans, things that I'd like to happen, etc. If only day dreaming about it were enough to make it happen. Then I'd probably have everything I've ever wanted in this world! But, as reality would have it, that's just not the way things work here. Because think about it; if things actually did happen that way, everything would probably be chaotic. It would erase the balance of the Universe. If everyone just got everything they ever wanted, just by thinking about it? Wow. What am I talking about?

Change thought... Aaaand, I'm not getting anything. I guess I will go now.

4 Months Late

So I managed to disappear for a few months. So much for one entry a month, huh? Today, I will blame that on lack of inspiration, and a lack of desire to share my thoughts with the public. For as long as I've been alive, I have been quiet, shy and reclusive. Never one to want to bask in the limelight, never one to ask for attention. Rather, I felt more comfortable hiding in the shadows, going unnoticed, living in solitude. And so it is still, to this day.

I haven't left my house since Sunday evening. It is Thursday afternoon today. No, it's not that I'm that much of a recluse. I've been sick. As in the whole, temperature, headache, chills, sore throat, cough thing. It has not been fun. Truth be told, I probably shouldn't even be looking at a monitor right now, but I guess that's just how hard headed I am. Or more accurately, how bored I am. I've run out of things to do, books to read, and things to think about - and thinking, I've been doing a lot of.

My brain is embracing a pattern of thoughts. It began slowly tracing out this pattern earlier in the year, becoming more defined as the months passed, until finally, it has become embedded deep within my very being. This is my blue print. My plan for my future. My world is revolving around this so called blue print, and step one is scheduled to take place in three months. This step will indicate the first major change in my life since roughly ten years ago. Which means that the last ten years of my life has been lived in "hibernation", in a manner of speaking. Once this step has been taken, I will consider it my "awakening". The first step to change. And if all things go according to plan, then even more change will be expected to follow.

Life is not predictable. It was not designed to be. You have your dreams, you make your plans, and they either happen or they don't, depending on what you do, and the choices that you make leading up to it. Although, I wonder - Does fate play a part in all this? If life is what you make of it, where does fate come in? If you were destined to arrive at a certain point in your life, does it matter what choices you make before arrival? If you're going to end up there regardless of your actions anyway, then how are the choices now relevant? If it's fate, then the outcome should not be jeopardised. ?? I don't know what I'm talking about anymore...

Anyway, I will now leave you to ponder that, as I seem to have confused myself.

Whoops (a.k.a. 4/12)

So I didn't manage to post an April entry. I would have to credit that to being somewhat busy on my part. April basically consisted of me running several errands that have needed taking care of for quite a while. I am a pretty accomplished procrastinator, if I do say so myself, but since I'm only working part-time now, I've actually had more time to do more "me" stuff. Overall, I would have to say that April was a pretty productive month. Yes, I'm only working part-time now. I come in to work in the morning, and I'm free by lunch time. The reason for that being that I've finally decided to seriously work on getting back to school. It is a scary thought, purely because I haven't exactly been to school for about seven years and so I would have absolutely no idea what it would be like to go back and I'm honestly intimidated. But at the same time, it is something that I have to do no matter how scary it might be for me. What I have for myself regarding my formal education is a sort of rough plan. I have an idea of what I need to do, and what needs to be done, and so I guess that it's just a matter of execution. Given that I do have a seven year gap in my schooling, my process is a little bit different and possibly even difficult. I'm having second thoughts about the Major that I had in mind. A few years ago, I was pretty sure that I was gonna take up some Business Management course because that was what seemed to make sense at the time. And then when I was flung into the corporate world and realised how much I seemed to not be compatible with it, something in my brain clicked and told me that if I took up Business Management, I would not only be wasting my time, but that I would also most likely be very unhappy in the end, and possibly even during. So that was scrapped, and then I moved on to English Literature. I thought, "now that would make sense" given my passion for reading and my love of books from an early age. And that was also around the time when I finally realised that it was completely okay to not conforme to the standards of society - or to do what I want to do and not do what people expect me to do, in other words. So yeah, English Literature made complete sense to the book worm and aspiring writer. The question now is why I'm having second thoughts about it. From "nothing else would make sense" to "do I really want to do this?". I'm thinking that maybe now that the possibility of it actually happening is nearer, I'm questioning myself because I want to make sure that I make the right decision. It's not as if I have been given every opportunity to make this a reality, and in that way, I feel more pressure because I feel as though I only have one shot at this, and if I make the "wrong decision", then I've basically messed up pretty bad. And I obviously do not want to do that. I do consider myself a pretty big dreamer, and sometimes, I think that it interferes with my reality. That maybe my dreaming too big clouds my judgement and affects my decisions. I've always been indecisive - even with just picking a place to eat - so when it comes to making huge, life changing sort of decisions, I'm a complete wreck and I have no clue which direction to go in and I get lost. I need to look for assurance and some sort of sign that what I'm doing is right. I also understand that I cannot keep living that way, and that I need to burst out of my "shell" and learn to make decisions on my own without reassurances from other people. That is a challenge for me, but it's a challenge that I'm willing to undertake. Other than Major, there is also the school itself. I was raised in an International School environment, which is part of the reason why I was never sent to local school when I stopped after eighth grade. The way that I am now is made in huge part by the community that I was surrounded by as I was growing up, and the values that were instilled in me in the process. And as thick-faced as this is sure to sound, I was just not made to be a local. If I end up going to and graduating from a local University, I honestly think that part of me will die. I have already come to accept that no, I never went to High School, so I have missed out on that part of my life. And that's probably why I feel that college is all I have left to make up for it. But local college is not gonna do it for me. And again, I'm sorry if that sounds very spoiled of me, but that's what I feel deep down in the core of my being. That as stupid as it might sound, if I don't go to University abroad, I will be incomplete for the rest of my life. And I don't know about you, but I don't think that anyone wants to live the rest of their life that way. Starting out local is okay, but where I finish is what matters to me. It matters to the rest of the world too, because wherever you go, whatever jobs you apply for, you will be judged by that name, and in my opinion, the more prestigious, the better. So that's all I've been thinking lately. Although I do feel something brewing in my head. Maybe it'll get posted soon. We'll see. Until then, this is what I shall leave you with.

3/12

Today is my last day at work. I resigned at around the beginning of the month, and I've spent the last couple of weeks slowly turning over my responsibilities and easing myself out of "work-mode", if that's the right term for it.

I feel great. Better than I have been in a pretty long time. Like I've constantly been saying all along, I just really have good vibes about this year. I know that it's extremely cheesy, but I do feel change in the air - the good kind.

I spent the long Easter Weekend at home again. So I'm keeping up with the running joke that I'm supposed to go at least once every month. And since I'll be having more time on my hands now, going up will be pretty easy. It's only a six hour trip away anyway.

Yesterday, I officially gave up chocolate for the rest of the year. All the way until December 31, 2008. No chocolate in any form, whatsoever. I think that it won't be very hard, to be honest. But then again, it hasn't even been twenty four hours, so I guess we'll see where I'm at in like a week or so. I'm not really sure what brought it on. Although I have been eating Snickers bars and M&M's in pretty large amounts over the last few weeks - yesterday included. So I kinda just thought, eh, why not? And here I am.

Also, I'm going to cut my hair. Like, really short. I would seriously shave it, but I figure that'd be a bit drastic, and I'm not really ready to have people staring at me everywhere I go. But just for the record, I do want to shave my head at least once in my lifetime. But not today.

I've always worn my hair long for as far back as I can remember. I've always had some sort of trauma about cutting it and never wanting it to be short. I've basically had the same hair for the last decade or more, with maybe the exception of a few changes in layers and color, it's pretty much been the same. So last night (just a little after giving up chocolate), I just felt like I had to cut my hair. And I'm pretty set about it. If I don't do it tonight, it's gonna happen tomorrow. And if it ends up being a disaster, it won't be so bad because the beauty of hair is that it grows back.

It's all part of the change that I'm feeling. There are just some things that are popping into my head from out of nowhere, and I just know that I have to do it. I know it sounds a bit psycho, but I just don't know how else to explain it. And I'm not really going to try and explain it, I'm only here to share.

Maybe another thing to pop into my head is to write here more. And like I said, since I'll have more time on my hands starting next week, there's a pretty good chance that that's gonna happen. I'm not making any promises though, I'm just saying that it's something that I'd like to do. And if it ends up happening, then that's great. And if not, then I'll just try to keep up the one entry a month thing.

I'm also determined to learn the local language of my home town. Part of it is purely just the desire to know another dialect of my language, and again with the cheesy, but I also want to connect to where I'm from. I know that it's been years since I've been going there, and I've been living here longer than the time I've spent there, but that was because I was always just too young to go at my leisure. Now that I'm older and a lot more independent, I see myself spending a lot more time there. I'm even seriously considering settling down there in the distant future, to be honest.

Like, right now, if I had a choice, I would move back. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but I just really prefer the lifestyle there and how everything is so laid back, relaxed and simple. The weather's great, the people are friendly, the cost of living is considerably lower. It's a tight knit community and I see it as being a lot more comfortable. I don't really see a downside at this point.

So that's basically what's been going on in my head over the last month. Lots of stuff, times of change, pure excitement. I'm pretty optimistic about everything, so I'm really looking forward to what's coming next. And that's kinda the fun part - not really knowing what's coming next. You kinda just see where it takes you and go with it. Makes things so much more interesting that way.

2/12

The end of February signifies... nothing, really. Just that two months of the year have passed. I must say that I'm very content with how this year's going so far.

This month started out pretty rough, going through some emotional issues leaving me stoic and in a daze. I was stuck that way for a while, consumed, not bothering to even try to recover. Maybe because I felt like it gave me an excuse to have acted the way I did - sad and unpleasant.

I somehow managed to snap out of it mid-month, when I suddenly decided that I was tired of being emo and that I just wanted to be me again. Yes, apparently my mood swings are very spontaneous. And I don't mind, because it makes my life that much more interesting, in my opinion - as crazy as that might sound. And anyway, it's normal, isn't it?

So anyway, as if in celebration of my "coming back to life", I am again heading home. It's probably nothing more than a coincidence that plans to go there fell through when I was in a better mood. I'm leaving tonight, actually, and I couldn't be more excited. My stay won't be quite as long as the last time, I'll only be there for a weekend, but I'm pretty content with that.

And as far as coming back to life is concerned, things are going pretty well. The only down side is that I don't seem to write as much when I'm content with my life. When there's trouble, drama, heart-ache, there's always so much more to write about. Pages and pages of emotions and thoughts just fighting its way out. When I'm alright, I can go for days without writing. I try not to let it go that long, but my entries never have any depth if I force it. It's always just babbling and nothing in particular. Not that there's anything wrong that though.

So yeah, if this entry lacks depth, it's only because I'm okay :) It's when it goes really deep that you should start getting worried. I'll try to be more interesting next time.