Whoops (a.k.a. 4/12)

So I didn't manage to post an April entry. I would have to credit that to being somewhat busy on my part. April basically consisted of me running several errands that have needed taking care of for quite a while. I am a pretty accomplished procrastinator, if I do say so myself, but since I'm only working part-time now, I've actually had more time to do more "me" stuff. Overall, I would have to say that April was a pretty productive month. Yes, I'm only working part-time now. I come in to work in the morning, and I'm free by lunch time. The reason for that being that I've finally decided to seriously work on getting back to school. It is a scary thought, purely because I haven't exactly been to school for about seven years and so I would have absolutely no idea what it would be like to go back and I'm honestly intimidated. But at the same time, it is something that I have to do no matter how scary it might be for me. What I have for myself regarding my formal education is a sort of rough plan. I have an idea of what I need to do, and what needs to be done, and so I guess that it's just a matter of execution. Given that I do have a seven year gap in my schooling, my process is a little bit different and possibly even difficult. I'm having second thoughts about the Major that I had in mind. A few years ago, I was pretty sure that I was gonna take up some Business Management course because that was what seemed to make sense at the time. And then when I was flung into the corporate world and realised how much I seemed to not be compatible with it, something in my brain clicked and told me that if I took up Business Management, I would not only be wasting my time, but that I would also most likely be very unhappy in the end, and possibly even during. So that was scrapped, and then I moved on to English Literature. I thought, "now that would make sense" given my passion for reading and my love of books from an early age. And that was also around the time when I finally realised that it was completely okay to not conforme to the standards of society - or to do what I want to do and not do what people expect me to do, in other words. So yeah, English Literature made complete sense to the book worm and aspiring writer. The question now is why I'm having second thoughts about it. From "nothing else would make sense" to "do I really want to do this?". I'm thinking that maybe now that the possibility of it actually happening is nearer, I'm questioning myself because I want to make sure that I make the right decision. It's not as if I have been given every opportunity to make this a reality, and in that way, I feel more pressure because I feel as though I only have one shot at this, and if I make the "wrong decision", then I've basically messed up pretty bad. And I obviously do not want to do that. I do consider myself a pretty big dreamer, and sometimes, I think that it interferes with my reality. That maybe my dreaming too big clouds my judgement and affects my decisions. I've always been indecisive - even with just picking a place to eat - so when it comes to making huge, life changing sort of decisions, I'm a complete wreck and I have no clue which direction to go in and I get lost. I need to look for assurance and some sort of sign that what I'm doing is right. I also understand that I cannot keep living that way, and that I need to burst out of my "shell" and learn to make decisions on my own without reassurances from other people. That is a challenge for me, but it's a challenge that I'm willing to undertake. Other than Major, there is also the school itself. I was raised in an International School environment, which is part of the reason why I was never sent to local school when I stopped after eighth grade. The way that I am now is made in huge part by the community that I was surrounded by as I was growing up, and the values that were instilled in me in the process. And as thick-faced as this is sure to sound, I was just not made to be a local. If I end up going to and graduating from a local University, I honestly think that part of me will die. I have already come to accept that no, I never went to High School, so I have missed out on that part of my life. And that's probably why I feel that college is all I have left to make up for it. But local college is not gonna do it for me. And again, I'm sorry if that sounds very spoiled of me, but that's what I feel deep down in the core of my being. That as stupid as it might sound, if I don't go to University abroad, I will be incomplete for the rest of my life. And I don't know about you, but I don't think that anyone wants to live the rest of their life that way. Starting out local is okay, but where I finish is what matters to me. It matters to the rest of the world too, because wherever you go, whatever jobs you apply for, you will be judged by that name, and in my opinion, the more prestigious, the better. So that's all I've been thinking lately. Although I do feel something brewing in my head. Maybe it'll get posted soon. We'll see. Until then, this is what I shall leave you with.